Wilderness

[VaNilla]

Hi guys. I know some of you have been wondering why I disappeared a few years ago. I wanted to wait until I was ready to come back to say something about this, but honestly, I'm still really struggling, and I don't want to risk saying nothing.

I sent a message to Nomad Union about some of this a couple of years ago, which I think they have seen, but I don't know if the details have spread outside of the team, so here I am.


I was working super hard on Nomad Union's crew video between 2015-2018, with the goal of making the best stunt video of all time. I was pushing myself to the absolute limit, and the whole team landed great stunts, but despite us making an awesome work in progress version of the video in 2016, I wanted more, and I felt compelled to make it flawless. I should have settled for what we had and polished it to something I felt comfortable releasing, but I went far beyond what was necessary, which I think was very disheartening for the rest of the team, and I can't apologise to them enough for dealing with my perfectionistic pursuits.

I have also been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 16 years old (I'm 28 years old now). It's been tough, and I was coping well for the longest time, but I was very stressed, especially whilst working on the Nomad Union crew video. To give you some idea of the harm I was doing to myself, it usually takes me about 20 hours maximum to land my best stunts, but for this video, I spent half a year landing my most difficult stunt (about 800 hours of attempts), and I have done similarly unhealthy things in the past, like staying up 48 hours straight to finish SUPERNUVA in a mad rush. The team told me to think about my health in both cases, but I couldn't help myself.

When 2018 began I started having complications with my skin. It was mildly frustrating at first, nothing serious, but it was getting worse and worse, and I wasn't happy, because I had much less time to spend doing what I wanted to do. Fast forward to December 2018, and GTA V gets a major update with brand new stunting vehicles, but whilst testing the files for differences versus the previous version, I noticed that something was wrong with my PC. Long story short, I needed to buy new SSD's, back up all my files, and reinstall everything, with no capability to work on the Nomad Union crew video or test the update during this time. I started doing that, but I was stressed out of my mind. My skin went into meltdown, it took the light out of my life, and I couldn't mentally face dealing with this every single day, whilst also working on the video and researching the update for the stunting community, given the sheer amount of time these things take. That is why I decided to stop visiting GTAStunting for a while, and completely disengage from the gaming community until I was okay.

I thought I would vanish for a couple of weeks or months at most, I have done that in the past when the stress was too much. But my skin and my mental health never got better, things only got worse, and although I was managing my skin issues to some degree, I was constantly thinking about killing myself. Thankfully I never attempted to do so, and I think that's because deep down, I knew that I still had something to share with humanity, and so as painful as it was, I persevered. I started to realise that I needed to sort the rest of my life out before coming back, and that's exactly what I have been doing since I disappeared. I'm happy to say that I'm making good progress, and I have also made a complete plan for my future stunt videos, after which I will finally stop stunting, and move on with my life. I have actually come up with a bunch of VC/SA/IV/V spots in my head and written them down, despite not having my own working PC at the moment (I'm writing this on my iPad). I don't think I'll be back until summertime, but I'm not out of the woods yet, and I still have dark days, so I'm writing this message now, while I know I still can. I'm sorry for worrying everyone that was wondering what happened, I hope that you understand.


While I'm owning my mistakes, it's time to say something I wanted to say for a long time. I have done a lot of thinking while I have been away, and I don't want to live a life where I maintain lies for the sake of fear and vanity. I started stunting around 2006 when I was 12 years old, but I mentioned in 2010 that I modded many VC/SA stunts during my early years of stunting. I have been asked about specific stunts from this time, and I have mostly been honest in saying which were legitimate and which were not. However, there are two stunts that I never had the balls to apologise for, because I was called out so publicly, and I was scared that I'd never have the chance to build a legitimate future in this community if I told the truth.

MeetMyMeat was right, my StopWatch finisher from 2008 was modded. I want to say sorry for gaslighting everyone, it was stupid, it was disrespectful, and it always weighed heavily on my heart. Nobody was falling for my bullshit, and I was often asked about it over the years, which hurt me, because I went to such lengths to grow as a person and stay legitimate since I was called out, and I wrongly felt that I deserved to move on. So I'm ashamed to say that in 2017, I surreptitiously made a topic defending myself, where I live recorded legitimate landings maintaining my RAD over the grass, knowing that because it is possible that way (both to land on the roof with FL on and land in the water with FL off), and I knew some stunters who landed it this way too, that it would confuse people into thinking it was possible without doing it like that. I have no excuses, just sorrow that I didn't man up from the start.

The same thing is true of what I'm about to say, something you may not have known. Biel and Promagic asked me a while ago if my Oracion finisher was modded, and they were absolutely correct. I landed this stunt sometime in 2009-2010, because I lost my NRG landing to someone else, but despite not modding anything since those years, I mindlessly sent it to Scavenger (who organised the video) sometime around 2012 or so. I actually asked D4rksh4doW not to use it in 2013 when I realised what I had done, saying I wanted to use it elsewhere as an excuse, but I think the video was almost done, so if my memory serves me correctly he didn't respond (he can absolutely confirm this if he still has his Skype logs). When Biel and Promagic asked me about it, I tried to sidestep the subject and I hoped they wouldn't notice. Sadly I think it worked, or at the very least, they had bigger things to worry about, so it was never mentioned again. I know I could have said nothing about this, but I have always felt extremely guilty about it, because I know it was a horrible thing to do, especially since Oracion was dedicated to PK, who was supposedly living with cancer (I know there was some controversy about whether he was or wasn't, but I believe him). I humbly ask for your forgiveness, and I don't blame anyone who feels like I don't deserve it.

I am so sorry that I let everyone down with these two stunts. I don't know how the community will respond, but I do know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't take public responsibility.


Now for something positive? I haven't seen many stunt videos since I disappeared, because I didn't want to distract myself from sorting my life out, but there are a handful that I have stumbled upon, and I don't want to spam up old topics, so I would like to shoutout some that spring to mind! I can't watch everything again right now, and I'm purely commenting from memory, so yeah, sorry for not giving more detailed feedback .

• A Grand Occasion: SA Community Video 2020 - Good job to everyone involved. Wolf Alice are one of my favourite bands, thanks for using their music .
• Aero Reapers: When Everything Dies - My first favourite stunt video was SA Smackdown, I think it's the first stunt video I watched and it's certainly the reason I started doing it myself. Then it was As One Again, which blew everything away when it was released. Eventually MeetMyMeat's Ocean of Notion became my favourite stunt video of all time, the stunts were so creatively satisfying and the soul of its construction was palpable. I was always waiting for something to top it, and some videos came close (Braindead, Burnt Ass, DYSTORTION, Elusive, JINX, Magnetron, Memento, Solid Ground 2021, etc), but nothing quite matched it. It's a tough decision, but I think When Everything Dies is now the best stunt video of all time. These are some of the best GTA SA stunts I have seen collected together in a single original video, and the best editing I have seen in a stunt video bar none. I felt myself shaking a little when I originally watched it, because I knew how momentous it was. Kacknase I'm slightly jealous of what you accomplished, because I was trying some of the same techniques for the Nomad Union video (the styles of cinematography, the Japanese sensibilities of 'ma', the weather variations corresponding with the mood of the music, the styles of colour grading, etc). The way you flashed from a long shot of UndeadX's chimney precision to a mounted close up of Afterlife's spinning double bump to precision shouldn't have worked as a shock to the system, but it was masterful, and I was incredibly inspired by that, more than anything else you did. Brilliant work, I still think Ocean of Notion's creative spirit reigns supreme, but this is absolutely the best stunt video I have seen overall, I have watched it 10-20 times already.
• Biel: Fourth Dimension - Great solo, one of the best! Fantastic finisher, though it's a shame that you didn't land it from the furthest palm.
• Burn: Meditation II & Valar Morghulis - You have such dedication to stunting, I have always found it inspiring and I congratulate you on these videos.
• dab88: The Story of Videogame Stunting & The Philosophy of Stunting - Impressive analysis, I have always wanted to see videos like these! Thanks for the mentions too, it was comforting to see during some of the worst days of my life.
• Evolve Stunting: ELEVEN & City of Dreams - ELEVEN is possibly the best GTA V stunt video of all time, and City of Dreams was great too! Thanks for doing the community justice.
• Lex: Mankind & Mankind 2 - I kind of lost three of my first GTA IV stunts in these videos, oh well . Nice job man, cool to see a new great stunter in this game.
• Maiikool: Why GTA V stunting sucks in '19 & No Lesson - I'm always happy to see GTA V stunters who truly understand the art of stunting, rather than simply copying and pasting the same big-air stunts into different locations. The second stunt in your GTA V video was very inspiring to me, great thinking, and I loved your use of stationary cameras, you understand the value of composition and rhythm. Your GTA IV video was great, but I kind of lost one of my first GTA IV stunts in this video too . Sadly I also lost the Police Stinger wallride which was a shame , I tip my non-existent hat to you.
• Max: Vigilante - Best Rhino stunts I have seen, with captivating presentation. Smooth moves, one of GTA VC's best videos!
• Rainbow: Remembrance of Things Past - I'm so happy you released your GTA V stunts, you deserve recognition man. The finisher was dope, nice thinking. Shadow did a good job for one of his first edits, well done to him too. Your message to me at the end and the messages from the community in the YouTube comments were both really touching, thanks for everyone's support.
• Solid Ground: 2021 - Possibly the best GTA SA collaboration video I have seen. Great stunts, fantastic editing. Artifex consistently did well with the Solid Ground series, but Solid Ground 1 was always my favourite for its distinct style. This finally topped it, that was killer shit.
• TurBo: Excelsus - You never got the plaudits you deserved in the past, but I feel like you finally got them! Definitely the best taxi video I have seen, and Max made it shine .

I'm sorry for the long post, I had a lot to get off my chest. I don't know if anyone cares, but I don't know a better way of saying what I had to say. Like I said, I don't know when I will be back, but I do know that I'm still living in dark times, and I don't want to risk saying nothing.

I still won't be signing into Discord/Steam or anything like that for now, I know there's way too much for me to catch up on whilst I'm busy getting my shit together. However, I may sign into GTAStunting from time to time, so if you want to talk you're best off sending me a private message, though I may not see it for a while. I'm sorry. Sayonara.

[Rainbow]

My day has gotten a lot better and glad to hear you're doing better. Will definitely send a PM tomorrow!

[Simon]

So glad you're doing okay and that you're on the up and up. Take the time you need man and give us a good hug once you drop by the discord.

[OrangeW]

I'm so glad you're okay. Thank you for the update, and I hope things continue to get better for you, I missed you!

[SlayerUK]

Welcome back! *GASP*

[Demo00n]

i dont like reading so ye
Welcome back Vanilla

[Jomra]

You filthy modder! Cool to see you back and big respect for talking about your struggles. You should definitely look at CONTRA. Video was released at the end of 2019 and marked the end of streems and arts stunting existence. It's in the modded section because of art and streem fucking around with sacc, ramps and handling but you have a guest appearance in it! streems bonzai 2 is cool too but all stuff is modded in there(art and streem provided a bunch of screenshots and replays proving that both of them modded their stuff) the videos are still cool to look at don't get me wrong

[DeathCobra]

[Evolve Shadow]

Reading this really made my day. So happy you felt like you could share this. I and so many others have so much to thank you for. You really have inspired so many of us to stunt and to keep trying to push the boundaries of these great games. And to hear what you said about the Evolve videos and my edit really feels incredible coming from someone I have always looked up to. Wish you all the best and hope to see more of those crazy ideas of yours   

[plak]

This guy is not justanotheraccount.

[VaNilla]

I had so much anxiety about posting this, my heart was beating out of my chest. Thanks for the messages so far, you've slightly put me at ease . I have seen CONTRA Jomra, but I haven't seen Bonzai 2. I originally landed my stunt for Rusch to use in Anomaly, but it didn't make it, so when Art asked me for a guest stunt to his solo in 2017/2018, I figured I'd send it there . I was trying to land the top of the ship for a while but I never landed it, however I guess it's actually better the way I did it, since it has more shock value . I think I'll keep checking the topic over the next few days, but I'll probably go crazy if I constantly come looking back so we'll see. Keep up the good stunts guys, ciao for now .

[TurBo]

I've missed our talks dude, but quietly I'd been rooting for you. I'd heard murmuring but did not want to pry, I am pleased to learn things are better and apologise if I ever was a nag regarding this and that, lol.

The praise and appreciation mean so much, I am so grateful you enjoyed it and I will without digressing hint that there's more where it came from.

[VaNilla]

Nah man, I was the nag. I'm just glad everyone got to see how awesome you are .

[MV]

Really glad to hear from you, and I'm wishing the best in your recovery. Prioritize you and your health first, the community will still be here waiting whenever you feel confident in you and your health.

It's been a very long time since we've talked, back in the days of Skype + stunting on PSA, but there isn't any time that went by without thinking about how you were doing. You were almost like a mentor & a good friend of mine early on in this community when I didn't really fit in. Take care of yourself dude. Really glad that you're still around

[jakuba]

I hope youre doing aight. I think a lot of us at some point have been there. Rock on.

No that it really matters but what about that stunt that build on Avalanche finisher?